Friends come and go throughout our lives. Some stay for a short time; others for a lifetime. Some are casual; some are close and intimate. But even those close friendships, the ones you think will be there through thick and thin, are put to the test when you are diagnosed with cancer or you become the caregiver of a cancer patient. Probably not at first, when they are eager to provide support, before things get really rough. But after a while, you notice they have moved on with their lives while you are stuck in cancer hell!
After a lot of thought about this, I have come to realize that it is not their fault alone. There is enough guilt to go around. You, the cancer patient or caregiver, are also to blame, even though it's totally out of your control. Cancer can be very destructive to, among other things, friendships, and some of those friendships will not survive. Sadly, they just become another casualty of cancer.
When my daughter Jaime was diagnosed with melanoma at age 20, she had lots of high school and college friends who were very close to her. They were precious to her, and she would do anything for them. Over her 9-year battle, many of those friends gradually drifted away. They had living life on their minds; Jaime had surviving cancer on hers. They were planning careers and weddings; Jaime was planning her next surgery or treatment plan or her funeral.
To avoid being a downer, Jaime never let on about how bad her cancer was or how horrible she felt. She always put a positive spin on it, along with a huge smile. It was her way of coping with the nightmare she was in, but at the same time, she was sending out very confusing messages. Then she couldn't understand why her friends didn't offer the support she so badly needed. In their defense, they just didn't have a clue that she needed it. But, in Jaime's mind was the question, "What kind of friends are they?" Cancer is really good at creating emotional conflict, along with everything else.
However, I was so touched that even at their young age, some would come to the hospital during Jaime's last days and sit in the lobby or the chapel, sending notes through the nurses that they were close by but didn't want to intrude. Others would visit, and laughter and love would fill the hospital room ... until they would leave and fall into my arms in tears. One even planned a pizza party that had the nurses fuming because too many people were in the room!
They were all so young, and death was a foreign concept. Yet some continued to keep Jaime in their lives, thoughts, and hearts
throughout her journey, surrounding her with love and comfort and truly
being a friend even when that became extremely difficult. You know who you are, and I am forever grateful!
As Jaime's caregiver, I was also struggling with friendships. My world had been bombarded by cancer, and caring for and making memories with my daughter was my top priority. There really wasn't room for much else.
For a friendship to work, it really needs two people ... and I no longer could contribute. I also understand that my friends stopped calling because they were protecting themselves emotionally from the disastrous news they might hear. They no longer knew what to say or do, so it was easier for them to stay away. And I get all that. But I sure could have used their love and support during the worst days of my life. Again, cancer kept marching through our lives, leaving a path of destruction and chaos behind.
Cancer is no one's friend, and it makes having friends really complicated. Everyone handles a cancer diagnosis differently, whether you are the patient, caregiver, or friend, and friendships can be more fragile than we think. Many, including
marriages, can't handle the stress that cancer creates. But the ones
that can will be even stronger!
Melanoma Mama (Jaime's mom, Donna)
http://www.facebook.com/donna.h.regen
http://www.facebook.com/jaime.regen.rea (Remember Jaime)
Kerry Harvey, the 24-year-old pancreatic cancer patient who shook up the breast cancer community with her statement "I wish I had breast cancer" a couple weeks ago [in 2014], has died. She was a brave young woman who spoke her mind to create pancreatic cancer awareness, even during the precious last days of her life.
Kerry, as part of a pancreatic cancer awareness campaign (the "purple" cancer) in the UK, expressed the sentiment of many of us touched by a cancer that is not the "pink" one. It is not cancer envy ... no one wants cancer and no particular cancer is better than others ... and it in no way diminishes anyone's cancer journey. It is simply that breast cancer gets more attention, more awareness, more funding, more research than other cancers. I get it. I understand where the campaign is going, and it is unfortunate that it has to go there to get the attention pancreatic cancer deserves. But sometimes you just have to get LOUD to get your message heard, and I think this ad campaign was successful in doing that.
Don't get me wrong ... I think all cancers, no matter what color is associated with them, are horrible, but some offer more hope than others for survival. I've had close family and friends die from breast cancer, as well as melanoma, and I am a bladder cancer patient myself [Update 2022: I am now also a breast cancer patient]. No cancer is a "good" or "fun" cancer, and I have no clue how the breast cancer community twisted that message from this ad. Quite honestly, if I were diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, because of its dismal prognosis I would wish I had ANY type of cancer other than pancreatic!
The breast cancer community's reaction on social media to this ad was fast and furious. The words "vile," "offensive," "despicable," and "reprehensible" were flying around Twitter and Facebook among the ruffled feathers of the breast cancer advocates. I was disappointed to see people from that community whom I have known and respected for years, men and women, physicians and survivors, with such an ugly knee-jerk reaction, as if Kerry were personally attacking them or those with breast cancer. But most concerning to me, where were the compassion, caring, and support for a young woman struggling with a terminal disease? Instead Kerry received hate mail and death threats from the "pink" side.
One leader of the breast cancer community suggested that the ad campaign was a missed opportunity to educate. But I don't agree. I didn't know much about pancreatic cancer before the ad launched, but now I know it only has a 3% survival rate and that the prognosis is only about 4-6 months from diagnosis. And I know that pancreatic cancer is a bottom-feeder at the funding pool for research. It is a nasty disease without much hope! I also learned something about many in the breast cancer community ... and that saddens me.
Kerry just wanted to live but there was no cure for pancreatic cancer or even effective treatments. My daughter Jaime who died of melanoma (the "black" cancer) at age 29 just wanted to live but there was no cure for melanoma or even effective treatments. Too many young adults ... too many people ... are losing their dreams and their futures to cancer, lots of different cancers with lots of different colors. All cancers need more of the recognition that breast cancer has, so forgive us for being jealous. We are not jealous of the disease or the pain and suffering and death that comes with it but jealous of the awareness, funding, and research.
It all comes down to hope. Kerry just wished, if she had to have cancer, that she had a cancer that would give her a glimmer of hope. All cancer patients deserve to have hope. It is up to all of us to work harder so that more cancer fighters have the tools they need ... no matter what color awareness ribbon they wear.
Rest in peace, Kerry Harvey.
Melanoma Mama (Jaime's mom, Donna)
Twitter: @melanoma_mama
Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/donna.h.regen
http://www.facebook.com/jaime.regen.rea (Remember Jaime)
To avoid being a downer, Jaime never let on about how bad her cancer was or how horrible she felt. She always put a positive spin on it, along with a huge smile. It was her way of coping with the nightmare she was in, but at the same time, she was sending out very confusing messages. Then she couldn't understand why her friends didn't offer the support she so badly needed. In their defense, they just didn't have a clue that she needed it. But, in Jaime's mind was the question, "What kind of friends are they?" Cancer is really good at creating emotional conflict, along with everything else.
They were all so young, and death was a foreign concept. Yet some continued to keep Jaime in their lives, thoughts, and hearts
throughout her journey, surrounding her with love and comfort and truly
being a friend even when that became extremely difficult. You know who you are, and I am forever grateful!
