Melanoma Mama: September 2018

February is always a difficult time of year for me.

Not only is it dreary and cold but it was during February in 2007 that my 29-year-old daughter Jaime walked into the hospital not knowing that she would never walk out.

I took her to the emergency room for pain management for her Stage IV melanoma, not an uncommon thing for us to be doing at that point in time since the cancer had spread everywhere.

Usually we both fought for her to not be admitted (one time I even smuggled her out against doctor's orders) ... just get her pain to a manageable level and let us go back home ... but for some reason neither of us balked this time when they wanted to keep her overnight, that turned into just for the weekend, that turned into 5 weeks, that turned out to be the rest of her life.

That time was a nightmare for Jaime, me, and our family, knowing where we were headed but not wanting to believe it.

We were out of treatment options, which years ago were few; there was nothing left to try ... yet Jaime refused to quit fighting. When the doctor offered her hospice, she responded with, "Will they work to make me get better?" When he sadly shook his head no, her words were sharp and direct -- "Then hell no!"

We were in a free-fall, unable to control anything, feeling so helpless and hopeless but at the same time needing to stay strong and positive for Jaime. It was the ultimate conflict, but we wore our happy masks (I still have mine and wear it frequently!) for our girl.

We had successfully fought off this evil beast of a cancer for 9 years, but Jaime's little body had taken as much abuse as it could and there would be no more surgeries, no more pumping poison through her veins. As much as we all wanted to rewrite her story, in February 2007 the end was quickly approaching.

Somehow, no matter how hard I try to ignore these memories, every year at this time they creep back into my mind and remind me how much I HATE melanoma and how unfair life can be. I am reminded of that relentless fear that gripped us all that February, along with the love that surrounded us as we faced the stuff that horror movies are made of.

But one thing I never need to be reminded of is how much I love and miss our beautiful baby girl!